Just as I am preparing to apply for Spanish citizenship – deadline end of January – the country is doing its best to put me off going ahead! First of all, two of Spain’s police forces have p**sed me off big-style and on top of that two places have convinced me never to visit again. What’s the story?

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That’ll be different. My first-ever Christmas "de Rodriguez" or "Home Alone"! "Footloose and fancy-free". For the first time in 74 years! What’s going on? Has my wife left me? Or is there a simpler explanation? This is what I'm planning .....

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